"You just got Zized"

Ok, Glee. W. T. F?

Last night I watched Glee with two of my friends. There was me, the jaded critic; Alia, the long-time fan; and Kristen, someone who had only watched a few recent episodes. Three people with three very different perspectives with one thing in common when it comes to Glee: we all really want to like the show. I was especially glad to have the two of them around, then, when "Sexy" started going off the rails and they could assure me it wasn't just me who thought this was the worst, poorly organized, most perplexing episode of the entire series.

Glee has been facing criticism for character consistency since the second season began. The show's writers have responded by removing any lingering ounce of character consistency and instead focusing on picking truly terrible songs to compliment the spectacularly awful and empty plots we have to plod through each week. Some critics have given up yelling into the void and are now defending the lack of consistency, saying, "That's just how Glee is!" But I refuse to give up. I will yell into the void for as long as I have lungs and people continue to stand by this crap. Why? Because I remember what 3/4 of the first season was like. It was inspiring. Uplifting. Joyful. It was not afraid to be uncool, or silly, or flamboyant. It presented an incredibly wide range of music in interesting and beautifully-sung ways. Now the show seems to exist solely to sell iTunes singles. The writers and producers are unconcerned with plot or pure musicality or character development or, well, quality, because they are making a bajillion dollars. And guess what? It shows.

I'm going to try to summarize with bullet points because there is too much to go over and none of it is presented linearly. I haven't read any other bloggers' thoughts about "Sexy", but I don't see how there's any way they can't agree that this is where Glee went off the rails and belly-flopped over that shark.

- First and foremost, what the fuck is Rachel doing in the chastity club? Sure, some may argue that she's just using it as an excuse to find out what's up with Finn & Quin, but I don't think anybody who's been watching this show from the beginning is going to forget Rachel's first foray in to the chastity club. Ms. Barry has gone from wanting to explore her libidinous urges to not believing in sex before marriage? That's so lame I don't think I even need to explain why.

- There is absolutely no reason for Gwyneth Paltrow to be in this episode. Once was surprisingly fun. Twice is skin-crawlingly awful.

- Blaine goes to visit Kurt's dad and convinces him he needs to give Kurt a sex talk. Ok, firstly, this would never happen, and it really never should (not the sex talk, the Blaine-approaching-dad thing). Second, it has no business being in a television show. Third, did you remember that The Warblers sang some awful song in a warehouse with bubbles? Because I keep forgetting. Also, can none of The Warblers actually sing? Because their autotuning is always the most offensive.

- Mike O'Malley deserves a fucking Emmy so hard. Because in the midst of all the terribleness, I still wanted to listen to what Burt had to say.

- There are so many fleeting and conflicting storylines I can't even keep them all straight. Next? Oh, Mr. Schue is gross and making out with other teachers in front of students again. I bet those band kids were really happy to be treated like they were invisible, especially after having to listen to Will do a fucking horrendous Prince impression.

- Something happened and then the celibacy club plus Zizuck and John Stamos sang Afternoon Delight? Really? That is a really, really old joke and one that was done better by both Arrested Development and Anchorman. And there was zero need to dress like whatever band sings that song did when they were performing on the Lawrence Welk show in the 70s or some shite.

- Oh, right - there was a bright spot to this episode. I love Lauren Zizes and Puck. Maybe it's because she's a fat girl named Lauren who knows she's hot shit. Maybe it's because Puck finally seems to give a damn about one of his ladies. They were gonna make a sex tape? Awesome. Lauren giving him a big, fat (pun intended) kiss in the hall and him lu-huving it? Even more awesome. Bring on the Zizuck. Whatever spark they have is the only thing keeping this show at all interesting.

- Because it sure as hell ain't the disastrous handling of the Brittany/Santana situation. As a bisexual woman, I...just...have no words. It shouldn't have been done that way. No one cares about Brittany and Artie, really. Putting two bisexual female high schoolers into a real relationship, now that would've been groundbreaking. Instead, we get to see Santana cry, talk about how boys are terrible, and then be broken. A BROKEN SANTANA IS NO FUN AT ALL. And seeing her get angry at Brittany/Artie/all men as will inevitably happen next week will be even less fun. And I want to see Brittany embracing her queerness! But no. No more queer fun for the ladies. Way to ruin one of the best characters on the show and continue your stellar track record for biphobia.

- In case you'd forgotten (because, like all the other songs in this episode, it was totally forgettable) before the fence-sitters broke up, they sang a Fleetwood Mac song. Why they needed dumb Gwyneth in the middle (or why they didn't sing "Two Little Girls" by Ani DiFranco when clearly that's the best song choice for the situation) is beyond me. Oh, wait, my friends said it was so they could do a literally literal cover of a cover by the Dixie Chicks. Although the emotions between Santana and Brittany played out on their faces, it didn't really translate to the song like the best Glee numbers.

- Sue and Finn were in this episode for like, 30 seconds combined. This is neither bad nor good, just an indicator of how much crap they tried to pack into those 40 minutes of nonsense.

- This episode ended with Mr. Schue being gross again and doing more gross kissing with Gwyneth. It was gross. Then my friends and I turned to each other with shell-shocked looks on our faces, not knowing what to say. "Well, that was really awful, huh?" someone ventured. And from there we tore it to shreds. Kristen compared it to porn, where you may try to follow the plot but there really isn't any point to the movie other than to get the characters into a place where they can fuck and so nothing really makes any sense. Which makes Glee worse than porn, because instead of hot people boning, we have to look at Will Schuester making creepy with stupid Gwyneth Paltrow and a bush baby in between the dumb-ass "plot". Oh, and sometimes they sing songs that sound exactly like the versions that other people have sung. Look, it's not as though there aren't fun moments in every episode (they should be thanking whatever genius promoted Lauren Zizes), but those moments are becoming fewer and far-betweener each week. It just so happens that "Sexy" managed to finally tip the scales in the wrong direction.

- Oh, and Quin's hair looks fucking terrible.

Arguments? Let's hear 'em. Don't think I don't know how to handle a rabid and misguided fan base - I've been a part of my fair share.

Images via Spoilers Guide, Small Screen Scoop, Wet Paint, Female Network