The Nude Erections

Oh, fine. I'll see you in the fall, Glee. Have a great summer touring. :( Seriously, those kids are worked hella hard, I'd like to see what their paycheck is. I'm pretty sure it's disproportionate to the amount of money the show brings in, especially now that they're polluting the world with these fucking terrible original songs. But we'll get to that in a minute. Overall, the finale was much like the season – partly awful and partly great, but the great parts were pretty wonderful.

The Gershwin opening was lovely, as were the Gershwin themes that ran through other parts of the show. Rachel's coat (well, everyone's clothes, really) was fanfuckingtastic. And it was fun to watch them galavanting about New York, even if the song left something to be desired. I enjoyed parts of the Finchel storyline - it was certainly the most captivating part of the show. But, like always, there was a whole lot of fluff in between that I still feel obligated to mention.

Let's see. Mr. Schue is a terrible teacher, obviously, and so he abandons his class and says, hey teenagers! You have to write two amazing, prize-winning songs, and you have one single day. See ya! Maybe if you're good, I'll bring you pizza in 17 hours. Mr. Schue, this is not Project Runway, and you are not Tim Gunn. You don't just get to leave the set and go off and be fabulous somewhere because you feel like it. Also, you may just be the opposite of Tim Gunn. Ugh, I really hate Matthew Morrison and his vests and his gargoyle face. I wish he was just one big set of abs. ANYway, he goes and sings an awful song (really, does he sing any other kind?) and then some guy wanders by and is all, You're gonna be a staaaaar, m'boy! *old-timey jazz hands*

Meanwhile, the teenagers have been working hard on their professional, five-part musical compositions (that somehow also include sheet music for instruments), and Brittany has come up with "My Cup", a very adorable ode to drinking vessels. But it is not good enough, and Quinn, acting weird like she does all episode, is all, let's go! And thus the frollicking and bad mash-up in Central Park, etc happen.

And now we get to the Rachel of it all. Because Kurt takes her to the Wicked theatre and I die a little inside (Don't EVEN get me started on Wicked: The Musical. Just read the book, please.) and they sing a terrible duet (I mean, they sound fine, but I can't get behind the schlocky barfarificness of it all) and Rachel is all, My future! Is here! New Yawk City! Crazy eyes! And excuse me, I have to go clean the floor where I just vomited up my soul.

Because clearly this is a set-up to continue Glee at college. Blaine's in! (Yay? :/) Hell, bring everyone along! Which is why I found it so mindboggling that Rachel insisted that Finn wouldn't want to come to New York, or would only be good in the city for moving furniture. Wait, what? Doesn't she know that this guy she claims to be in love with would like to leave Ohio as soon as possible? I believe he has uttered the phrase "Lima loser" more than once. Like, why would you think yes, the boy that I am in love with is also in love with me, but because I want to move away there is no way it will work? You are not the only person to ever want to leave a small town, idiotface. It was really just bad writing to think that Rachel wouldn't know this about the dude she's been obsessed with forever. Anyway, I thought this whole bullshit issue was just bullshit, and then to have it so easily resolved at the end made it feel a little like they've been wasting our time ALL FREAKING SEASON. But whatever, I did like that "totally unprofessional" kiss - admit it, you did too. Bella Notte, however, I could've done without.

Ok. So Quinn continues to act weird and is seriously CRYING because she is disillusioned with her supposed popularity. She takes the time to be mildly homophobic and then agrees that a haircut is just what she needs! So basically that tells us that Dianna Agron couldn't wait until they were done filming to cut her g-d hair. I mean, it looks cute, and I'm all for short hair, but that was dumb.

And then The Naked Boners find out that Mr. Schue is leaving to go to "Broadway", or some sort of Broadway-like facsimile. Oh noes! But he is so touched (and he did just spend all that money on pizza) that he instantly abandons his dreams of being a staaaaar and decides to stay with the kids. I mean, duh-doi, but what a stupid nothing of a plot point that they dragged out for WEEKS just to abandon with zero follow-through.

Moving on to the competition. Austin Goolsby FTW! "I hate my kids." Um, that opening number was sick. But WTF is up with the rhinestone microphone? Can Glee only afford a single microphone (they have been using the same single mic for months now!), or are wireless rhinestone mics a show choir regulation thing? Either way, weird. And ok, I understand WHY they had to do that scene with Sunshine and Rachel in the bathroom, but BLECH, and couldn't they have backed that up by having Vocal Adrenaline sing something better than a mediocre and instantly-forgettable ballad? It seems that all Sunshine does is sing the worst ballads she can get her hands on. What happened to the Vocal Adrenaline that did "Rehab"? That was actually impressive. Also, their dresses were hideous.

And, ok, I'm mad at you again, Glee. Because while the first two original songs were merely boring and mediocre, these two were actively BAD. Like, very very bad. I mean, in both cases the lyrics are mostly simple repetitions of clichéd phrases, but the second song was, like weirdly dissonant and ear-bleedy. That's not to say that it's not catchy, but it's, like, herpes catchy. And yet it will nevertheless make them a butt-ton of money. Okay, but that's not what I'm really mad about. I am pissed off that they took a song that is supposed to be a live performance for a NATIONAL SINGING COMPETITION, and they not only fucking Autotuned the shit out of it, they added in other effects that would not be possible live (Newsflash: you can't have a backing track when you are at a choir competition), like Artie's voice echoing back and all the techno reverb. It is fucking bullshit. I'm glad they placed twelfth. What with that and the making out and the immediate need for hugs and celebration before even leaving the stage, they should have placed, like, 37th.

Oh, and Jesse With The Newly-Fattened Neck showed up. And was immediately shunned and then forgotten by everyone involved.

Ok, but obviously next year is senior year which means they will be winning Nationals or something comparable and then off to college. I really just cannot predict what next season is going to be like - what the fuck are they going to do with Sue? - but I would be okay if the show could just be consistently good, and return to what made it great in the first season. Oh, and some non-biphobic mention of bisexuality and/or queerness would be too little too goddamn late, but it would still make me happy. Anyway - Glee is fun to recap since it is so ridiculous and terrible but also sometimes honest and sweet...so I guess I'm in it for another year. Plus I've gotta see what's gonna happen with Mercedes and Sam (who is magically a million times hotter as a brunette). Fat girls getting theirs FTW!

Notes & Quotes

- "I feel like Eloise!"

"I have pills for that."

- The look on Puck's face during "My Cup" was pretty awesome.

- "If I was in love with a girl and wasn't homeless I'd totally go for it." It doesn't matter if you're homeless, dude! Get a girl, and then you can sleep at her house! Bam! Solutions!

- "What's a Salad Ni-cozy?"

- Seriously, changing the name of the New Directions should have been their first order of business two years ago. You know how I know Schue is a terrible teacher? Because he allows his class to be introduced like they're Chippendales.

- “Soy de Lima Heights Adjacent, y yo me de orgullo - ?sabe lo que pasa en Lima Heights Adjacent? !Cosas malas!

And with that, I take my leave of Glee for three peaceful months. !Hasta luego!

Images via RobotCeleb, Wet Paint, Zap2It