- I liked the opening. Jane Lynch is the best. Ron Swanson is The Best. Mad Men is awesome (omg I just remembered I have some great Jon Hamm gossip but that I should not put it on the Internets because that could get the person who blessed my life with this totally adorable and enviable gossip FIRED and then I would feel like the worst because I would totally actually be The Worst. So: if you know me, then ask me about it. But only if you promise not to post it in your blog.). The Big Bang Theory poked fun at their laugh track, but it wasn't enough to make me forget how terrible laugh tracks are and how much better their show would be without one. The Sue Sylvester split-screen was awkward all around. But it ended on a good note, and made me wish I could have watched more of her on-stage banter.
- Ty Burrell is funny, but I swear all those Modern Family folks care SO much about gender norms it is kind of weird. But he is my second-favorite part of that show (after Luke), so whatevs, hooray for him.
- Whatever, Charlie Whatever.
- Jim Parsons UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate it when actors win twice in a row. And over Matt LeBlanc and Steve Carell and Louis Motherfucking C.K.??? Sad. Still, Parsons is the best part of the mediocre Big Bang Theory, and it least it wasn't Johnny Galecki.
- I do not watch Justified, bu Margo Martindale is pretty great in everything ever. My favorite was The Riches. Did you watch that? It had Eddie Izzard and Minnie Driver and the hot girl from Raising Hope as Irish-American gypsies. Did you hear me? Are you going to go watch it RIGHT NOW? Good. Anyway, Martindale was their funny-crazy neighbor friend, and she's great. So huzzah for her, booooo sadface for Christina Hendricks.
- For those of you who have seen The Riches, I'll carry on. YESSSSS PETER DINKLAAAAAAAGE!!!! We are well-documented Dinklage fans here at girl glows green, and again, even though I have not seen any Game Of Thrones because it looks extra-squicky, with a lot of that really loud and squishy-crunchy-stabby kind of gore, I still love Peter Dinklage and would be fine with him getting all of the awards ever, as long as he promised to share them with Donald Glover and Danny Pudi and Jon Hamm.
- A tear and a moment, then, for Jon Hamm. Not that the man really needs any awards because he is the hottest and has a huge cock that he unabashedly rocks out with all the time and a sexy lady friend and is the best at what he does and also sometimes the best at what everyone else does, too, and I'm pretty sure he has gotten awards before although maybe not an Emmy but the moral of the story is that I'm sure Jon Hamm will be ok, and that I am probably more disappointed than Jon Hamm is, he is almost definitely drunk and dancing and/or having sex in a fancy bathroom at a fancy party right now so congratulations to him on every day living an amazing life. And whatever good job Kyle Chandler, I'm sure that as soon as I start watching Friday Night Lights I will get all Trey Graham up in here and fall in love with it, football or no (disclaimer: at first I typed "baseball". Sports - they're all kind of the same.).
- My disdain for The Good Wife is well-documented, but that whole category was mediocre this year except for Peggy Olsen, but Peggy Olsen is definitely not The Good Wife and Juliana Marguiles has won a zillion times, so no surprises here!
- Here's the thing I'm realizing about the comedy awards: Emmy voters love traditional sitcoms. And Modern Family took the documentary style of The Office and Parks & Recreation, watered it down for an ABC audience, and made what is, at heart, a very traditional family sitcom. Meanwhile, The Office and Parks & Rec, which are, quite ironically, both about real modern families (if, like me, you always heard that definition to include your friends and the people you choose to have around and the people you see every day and who are important in some meaningful way in your life.), get the giant shaft. In this same vein, let me say that Melissa McCarthy is pretty great at times, but as a fat person who is also attracted to certain other fat people, I find that show incredibly offensive. Maybe I didn't watch enough of it (laugh track, ughhh), but it seemed to me that there needed to be more to the show other than "two fat people date, are fat and disgusting but also hilarious but only because they are FAT, maybe just like you!" But perpetuating negative fat lady stereotypes seems to be her thing, she was the most backward-thinking and staid character in Bridesmaids. So congratulations will have to wait because judging from this year's awards, Emmy voters are still living in the dark ages of comedy - an age without Abed. *Aaaaaaabeeeeeeeed* (That is my way of saying that Emmy voters are kind of racist without just being like "Emmy voters are a seeming-majority of subversive racists" because that sounds a little extreme but seriously I don't think anyone can justify not nominating either Donald Glover or Danny Pudi or Aziz Ansari and now that I'm watching The Wire it kills me that that show didn't get more love and what about anyone from Treme, that is supposed to be awesome, and also remember how Omar from The Wire is the best part of Boardwalk Empire (or anything, really, that guy is just great)? Television is even worse than the Oscars at recognizing actors of color (and/or giving them jobs in the first place).
- Really, you would think that they would want to cap the Emmy limit somewhere. How many Emmys does The Amazing Race need? Are they making an Emmy foosball table? After a while it just makes things boring.
- We get it, Downton Abbey is great. I know, I'm VERY excited for the new season. Congratulations to you all. No congratulations to Kate Winslet, because I heard that movie was dull and she has abandoned the ranks of the voluptuous in an attempt to wedge herself somewhere on the spectrum between Gwyneth Paltrow and Victoria Beckham. And the blonde, I do not believe she should be that blonde. Go back to being hot and interesting and nice-seeming please, and then I'll tell you congratulations on that Emmy. First let's get Nick Offerman to find you some bacon-wrapped shrimp.
- Barry Pepper WAS the best part of The Kennedys. For real though, once you get past Katie Holmes being Katie Holmes As Jackie Kennedy, it's a pretty enjoyable series for people who like historical movies and politics and people talking like bad Mayor Quimby impersonators.
- MAD MEN FTW!!!!! Ok, my fears about it possibly being cancelled or losing funding before Matt Weiner decides it is the right time are allayed. Mad Men will go on to be great and beautiful and wonderful and simply The Best Show Ever for hopefully at least three more years. Anyway, good job Mad Men, thank you for doing all of your jobs better than everyone else and being just great except January Jones please try to be nicer to the new Bobby you can pretend he is your real son and that is called acting in case you didn't know, you're welcome for the tip, kthanxbai.
This is when I drop the mic, Jean-Ralphio style, and walk off the stage. I hate you, Emmys. Please try to be better and smarter and more prescient of what I want from you in the future, and maybe we can try to be friends.
This is totally my substitute for watching the actual broadcast, thank you so much.
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