Two weeks ago was the Santana debacle, which I can't even go into because it was SO BAD, and the student election BS, which was such an unbelievable plot manipulation that it doesn't even merit talking about because I can guarantee no one on this show will ever mention it again. Last week was sectionals, which was remarkably boring and predictable and the music was all my least favorite kind of Glee music, the note-for-note karaoke cover. Look, karaoke is great, I love it and it is totally the best. But watching professional singers do covers of songs that do not alter the arrangement in any way is flat-out boring. My favorite Glee songs are the ones they've put their own spin on - "Dancing With Myself", "Borderline/Open Your Heart", "Toxic", etc. - and if I do like a straight-up cover, it's because I haven't heard the original enough. But "I Will Survive" was a snooze, and even though I love me some MJ and I liked how everyone got a chance to shine in their medley, it was super dull. I know what "Man In The Mirror" sounds like! And it sounds better when Mark Salling keeps his mouth shut.
Anyway, that's all just to say that Glee has been losing me for a while now. Where are the jokes? Where is the edge? I wish this show had just died a quiet death at the end of Season 1. But sadly, it did not, and last night's episode still exists as a blight on the world.
"An Extraordinary Merry Christmas" opens with the glockenspiel notes that should be familiar to anyone who goes anywhere at this time of year - the tinkling intro to Mariah Carey's "All I Want For Christmas Is You". Now, I LOVE this song. I have been listening to it for weeks! But what I really don't need is a shitty, auto-tuned, truncated version that is sticking as close as possible to the original, including the backing vocals. BLEH. Next.
Something something Sue something something homeless shelter something something dead sister something glee something something I AM OFFICIALLY ASLEEP.
Stupid Irish Rory does a mediocre cover of Elvis's "Blue Christmas". The only reason I don't hate this as much as the others is because I'm not as familiar with the song. And then Schue busts in (why wasn't he there before? Also, does anyone remember that he's supposed to be a Spanish teacher? He is The Worst.) and something something public television something Christmas special and Artie gets to direct! I understand that they are trying to give Artie a passion and something to do, but all this directing means less Artie singing and as he is the best male singer that is some total fakakta bullshit. Although it did provide us with the only good line of the show: "You're like a modern day Tiny Tim! Oh...I am sorry. Tiny Tim could walk."
Then Rachel sings Joni Mitchell's "River" and I am not even joking as soon as I heard the sad Jingle Bells piano notes I scrambled to mute it because of all the things in this world I do not need to hear Lea Michelle try to impersonate Joni Mitchell. Robert Downey, Jr. did an amazing version of it on his tragic (in so many ways) stint on Ally McBeal, but that is because RDJ is AWESOME and also because he put his own spin on it. Glee doing this song is like Christmas blasphemy.
Something something homeless shelter something something conflicts with their television special something WHAT HAPPENED TO SUE something bullshit something something this is so saccharine and pandering it is really very gross.
And then all of a sudden we are inside Artie's black and white Christmas special. Now, I'll admit that watching Bing Crosby and David Bowie sing "Little Drummer Boy" is, along with Stephen Colbert's special, about all the reference I have for these kinds of things. But honestly, it made my brain cry. "Let It Snow" was fine until they starting SCATTING. Here's a tip for everyone in the world who is not Ella Fitzgerald: DON'T SCAT. All the scatting that should ever be done in this world was done by her and so let's all leave it alone. Then Lea Michelle shows up and it is just so hammy and fake and poorly acted and I'm SURE that it was trying to be an homage to some old X-mas special but it did not translate and instead came off as insane and nauseating. She then continues to piss all over the future graves of my musical idols and sings a horrific version of "My Favorite Things" and that is when I checked out of this episode and started making plans with my roommate to go see Harold & Kumar.
At some point Finn and Puck show up dressed as Luke and Han Solo and sing something that wasn't very good and now I am ready for this to ALL BE OVER so I can go to bed and never wake up. But NO - Rory The Worst Irish Kid Ever comes out dressed as an elf, and instead of reading Frosty The Snowman like he was told to, he pulls out a MOTHERFUCKING BIBLE and starts reading about JESUS. And the rest of the kids, the gays and the Jews and all, just nod along like this is the most heartwarming thing they have ever heard and nobody says SHIT about how fucked-up and sneaky and selfish that was and then they all go to the homeless shelter and sing, but only because they needed THE BIBLE to tell them that it was the right thing to do. OH, I'M SORRY, I WOULD LOVE TO FINISH THIS POST BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE I JUST VOMITED OUT ALL OF MY INSIDES AFTER MY BRAIN EXPLODED AND NOW I AM DEAD.
Also there was a terrible Finn & Rachel storyline but I don't even care, I am too busy being dead, Rory and Jesus killed me.
We'll see if I can keep these recaps up after the break - with the humor being gone and the music being terrible, it's hard to see what the point is anymore...and there are other things I could be spending my time watching. I'm thinking either Friday Night Lights or Sons Of Anarchy. Anyway, expect plenty of posting during the break, I fell behind during the last couple ennui-filled weeks and I've got a lot to catch up on. Here's hoping your holidays are full of joy and wonder and that none of you ever have to watch this episode of Glee.
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