Real Gay Talk

One of the things that I'm not sure comes across all the time in my writing is the fact that I am always willing to have my mind changed, given there's a compelling reason for it.  I'm an incredibly logic-driven person and while I DO hold strong opinions, when presented with new evidence, I'm always up to revisit and possibly alter the way I feel.  There are plenty of things I've said on this blog that I have since come to look upon differently, but if I were to go back and change each post it would be, not only a pain in the ass, but also dishonest.  So instead, I'm here to explain myself.

Last weekend, a (young, gay, white, male) friend and I were having a conversation about the presentation of queers in the media.  I was talking about how it feels like the only gay people given any sort of representation  lately are white men, and he brought up that he feels like that being a gay woman is more socially acceptable than being a gay man, and because of that it's more important for men to have the media representation in order to make people comfortable with it.  My other (straight, female) friend brought up the point that the only really socially acceptable form of lesbianism is two traditionally attractive women who look like they could be straight having casual sexytimes with each other, usually presented as an object of male fantasy.  She also brought up that the most socially acceptable form of gayness usually comes in the Gay Best Friend role, a role which is almost always so neutered and de-sexualized so as to make him more palatable for the masses. I went on to argue that the gay male perspective currently being presented was so limited (usually young; ALWAYS white) and often offensively stereotypical and that what the queer community REALLY needs is a wide range of characters displaying a wide range of sexualities.



And that what it comes down to, right?  Us queers shouldn't be arguing about who has had it worse and who deserves more of this or less of that (although historically, and in my personal experience, many gay men have been dismissive and sexist when it comes to gay female sexuality).  The truth is that any time a singular experience (like Ryan Murphy's) is presented as the only experience, everybody suffers.  There should be more perspectives being represented in our culture because our culture holds SO MANY diverse experiences, especially when it comes to sexuality and race.

So yes, I get bummed out when a show like How I Met Your Mother is so welcoming of male gays and so dismissive and offensive when dealing with any hint of female queerness (like Lily's oft-alluded to crush on Robin).  And yes, I haz a sad when white gay man after white gay man is paraded across the screen as some obsequious bow to progressiveness while lesbians are still treated like a joke and bisexuals are still treated like they don't actually exist.  I hate Ryan Murphy and I hate that he created a character on The New Normal who is so stereotypically offensive that Andrew Rannells' charm and Justin Bartha's hotness still aren't enough to cancel out my desire to punch him in his stupid, faux-anorexic face.  But I think the first step is for all us queers to stop arguing about who has been more downtrodden.  We have ALL been fucking downtrodden and discriminated against and marginalized and pushed aside in favor of the straight perspective.  It's up to us to stand up and say that we want to be represented - and to push to create that representation in all forms of art and culture.

It's all intermingled, this need for there to be more racial and sexual diversity on television and in the media.  And I see small changes happening here and there, and it gives me hope that if we keep talking about this and MAKE it part of the wider discussion, that there might be some actual change.

The other problem with the gay male argument is that women of ALL ilks have been suffering from terrible media representation from the dawn of time.  It's not really about "gay men have it worse that gay women" or vice versa, it's about a culture that simply doesn't respect or value the female perspective to the same degree as that of the male.  Yes, I know there are many shows that have focused on women and presented women as nuanced, interesting people.  But for every one of those, there are a dozen that trade heartily in misogyny and sexism, thinly veiled or not.  I believe that everyone deserves to see a wide representation of non-stereotypical, fully developed characters - but I can also tell from experience that women, and particularly gay women, who are not nearly as visible or as well represented in the media industry, have to FIGHT for inclusion because no one is going to do it for us.

Which brings me to my retraction.  I wrote last week that Go On was suffering from an excess of bland - and I don't ENTIRELY take back that statement.  But this week's episode we learned a lot more about the character of Anne (a lesbian grieving for the loss of her wife) and saw her become an important parallel for Ryan (also grieving for the loss of his wife).  We saw the two of them bond and become close in a way that we haven't seen with anyone else on the show, and we saw that the two of them share something unique because of their losses.  Anne's marriage is never presented as having less value than Ryan's, and he volunteers to go as her date to a lesbian wedding - where the jokes are hilarious, but not derogatory or offensive.  Go On has more diversity than any other new show this fall, and after this week, I'll gladly stick around and see where it takes us.  It might be a little safe, and a little bland...but, like I said, it's early days.  This episode showed great promise for the future, on all fronts.

So, yes.  It was heartening to finally see a real lesbian relationship treated with the same gravitas of a heterosexual marriage...but it's still not enough.  We've still got to keep talking about it and having the discussions my friends and I had and spreading the word that sexuality doesn't ever fit neatly into a little prefabricated box.  There are still so many bigots in this world who don't understand the queer community because what they "know" came from Will & Grace or a Katy Perry song.  I'm not saying television is going to fix all of our problems or make homophobes stop hating gay people...but a little education and exposure can go a long way towards making someone's mom understand when they come out, or towards making someone think twice before they hurl epithets or inflict violence on strangers.  It's those small steps that we need to be working towards if we're ever going to come close to true equality.