I don't usually write about reality TV. The truth is I don't watch that much of it (Top Chef, RuPaul's Drag Race, ANTM, The Fashion Show) on a regular basis - I like the competitive shows way more than faux-life shows like The Real Housewives. Those shows would be much more interesting to watch if I could actually hear most of what they're saying, but all the most interesting, crucial parts get bleeped and that is just boring. But really, if I was going to write about anything right now, it should probably be RPDR, the best reality show of all time. But I'd like to save my gushing over amazing, fabulous drag queens (and Sutan, whose Tyra impersonation looked a whole lot like the above picture) for once we get closer to the Drag Race finale.
Now, normally I leave all ANTM blogging to Rich at fourfour. But I just found out (literally, just now when I went there to get the link) that he is not doing his famed recaps anymore. I am heartbroken. It's almost the entire reason I read his blog at all, I mean...I like some of his other posts but when he gets into music reviewing I'm just like zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. And the gifs! Oh, how the gifs will be missed. But really I think that someone needs to call Tyra on her megalomanaical shit, so, for at least this first episode, that's what I'm gonna do.
From the beginning, Tyra is clear that the theme of this season is making girls cry. Not that that hasn't been the theme of every season, but this year it's explicit - because the fashion industry is mean, panel is allowed to be as cruel and hope-crushing as possible. This starts at casting, where the 14 finalists are tricked into thinking that they've been eliminated. I could see how that would suck until they find out they're in the house, but HOW MUCH WORSE is it for the girls who were told that they were continuing and allowed themselves to be happy about it and then walked of with the Jays and were told it was all a trick and Tyra didn't love them? So much worse. Everything on this show is about Tyra, in case you've forgotten in the few months since Ann won.
Speaking of Ann, how tragic is it that we have to look at that god-awful Cover Girl photo of hers every week? I'm still pissed they didn't give it to Kayla.
So once everyone is done freaking out about Tyra's ruse and complaining about the bossy girls, they're told that their first challenge is to walk on a foot-wide runway. Over a pool. In a bubble. Filled with glitter. While wearing some of the ugliest and dowdiest clothes I've ever seen on this show - who does Alexander Wang think is going to be wearing those? Oh, and Erin Wasson's jewelry is totally fug. Anyway, watching the girls who fell struggling to get up wasn't really funny, it was painful. But isn't that what Tyra wants, to make us all know the pain of being a model?
"What if I can't get it open and I'm stuck in that bubble for the rest of my life? That went through my head a million times." This quote was uttered by the girl with a baby face and a huge, square jaw who is from Texas and, apparently, is retarded. Maybe she's this season's Girl With A Thing? And that thing is an IQ of 70.
I will fully admit to being attracted to almost all the plus-size models who have been on this show (although I maintain that Whitney was (a) not plus-size and (b) way hotter as a brunette) and Kasia is no exception - although whenever I hear her name I think Ke$ha? Kashi? Ke$ha eating Kashi. Anyway, Tyra's attempt at making plus-size sound cool is a HUGE FAIL. "Fiercely Real" not only implies that non-plus-size girls are, in some way, unreal, but also implies that to be plus-size is a bad thing. I don't mind if people call me fat, because I am fat. There's nothing wrong with it - it's just how my body is. If you're a model (and Kesia clearly is, her look is unique and I think she could have an actual career), you've got to be cool with the fact that you're fat. Kesia seems to have confidence coming out her butt, but Tyra's qualification of "Fiercely Real" just seems to be undermining it.
I have to say I'm glad she's done with the jumpsuits, but that t-shirt with Andre's face on it is just...no. And Tyra's hair this season is straight-up ugly. Sorry, Tyra, but just because it's something you haven't done before doesn't mean it looks good.
Oh, and the photoshoot this week? Bullshit. That photo of Brittani with the eyeliner? She had zero control over the way she looked in that photo - it was clear that all of these photos had more to do with the photographer than the models. And for a first photoshoot it just seemed really weak. I do think the right girl went home, though.
Nigel: what a bitch! The claws are coming out. And what is up with his hair? I would like to see it grow longer and longer over this cycle. And man, someone must have had something added to their contract because Andre and Nigel's name labels have tripled in size. Did you know that Nigel Barker was a NOTED FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER? Because they to make sure you do.
Overall, I'm excited to see Tyra make these bitches cry every week and slowly break them down until they realize that they're nothing without her and each session of panel concludes with ring-kissing and the anointing of Tyra in oil. I really hope she doesn't wear a t-shirt with a different picture of Andre's face on it each time, and I may stab her in the face if she says "Fiercely Real" too much, but ANTM is, in essence, really entertaining television. You can all keep your crazy housewives and heteronormative dating shows, and I'll keep my pathological narcissist who loves to treat 19-year-old girls like dolls. And my drag queens, but that's a topic for a whole other post.
Images via Reality TV Magazine, Zap2It
No comments:
Post a Comment