Before I start, I'd like to state for the record that I'm not a fan of CBS as a network. While they produce How I Met Your Mother (premieres tonight!), their shows tend to be some of the shows I hate most (Everybody Loves Raymond; A Man, An Ugly Teenager, And A Douchnozzle, etc). Now, CBS knows how to turn out a crime procedural like nobody's business - and I will freely admit my love for OG CSI, Numb3rs, Cold Case, and Without a Trace - but they have traditionally been a more old-school, conservative network. Their fall schedule looks neither new nor especially exciting. But, you know...let's take a closer look!
$#*! My Dad Says
You know, everyone's been saying that this looks horrible, but the preview doesn't look that bad (maybe I just love Will Sasso). I think the ultimate problem this show is gonna have is that CBS cut off its balls. I never read the Twitter account, but I believe that it was full of hilarious profanity. I mean, the fact that you can't say "shit" on TV is already ridiculous; now you have a TV show that emphasizes broadcasting censorship. FAIL.
The Defenders
They should just call this show "Vegas Law", since they're already ripping off another 80's crime show (more on that in a minute). Anyway, Jerry O'Connell and Jim Belushi play lawyers in Vegas - riveting, huh? Oh, just watch the first 15 seconds of the preview and you'll understand why you're not gonna watch this show.
Mike And Molly
Now we've gotten here. After the triumph that was Huge, CBS has decided that we need a comedy that celebrates fat people...by making jokes about them. Here's the thing, TV writers: fat people don't actually go around all day talking and laughing about how fat they are; in fact, it generally just isn't a part of our day. Not all fat people are in Overeaters Anonymous, and Huge taught us that not all people in OA are fat. Fat people often end up dating or even marrying skinny people...wouldn't it have been nice to see a fat woman with a thin, attractive man since we're forced to watch the other way round all the time? Fuck this show. Try harder, idiots.
Blue Bloods
Tom Selleck heads a show about an "Irish cop family". If that sounds like your thing, go ahead and watch. It is so much not my thing that I'm not even going to watch the preview, but here it is.
Hawaii Five-O
I am actually super excited for this remake! I've never seen the original, but since it's a crime procedural I'm sure they're not spitting on its grave or anything, and it has what all of my favorite crime shows have: a sense of humor. The cast is awesome - anywhere I can see Scott Caan and Daniel Dae Kim laughing and shooting people together is a winner - and it very clearly doesn't take itself too seriously. Hawaii Five-O is going on my list of frolicking, humorous, analysis-free shows, right up there with Castle, Psych, and Lie To Me.
I'm seeing a pattern here - a bunch of crappy shows and then one good one? We'll see if the other two networks show the same tendencies for awfulness.
So, you know, CBS mostly sucks. They especially suck for moving The Big Bang Theory (an okay show with some major flaws) to Thursdays to compete with Community (an edgier and funnier ensemble show). Just say screw them all and watch Community on Hulu.
Man, I'm so pumped for Hawaii Five-O now! Is it too soon to start saying "Book 'em, Danno"? Because I've got the urge.
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