Why "Girls" Is Bad For America

I am so fucking sick and tired of hating "Girls".  Every time someone on Facebook posts something about how much they love it or about how they "are SO Hannah", I die a little inside.  It's not because I think the show is bad.  It's because I think it's bad FOR US.  It's bad for our culture and our nation.  And I didn't really know how to express WHY until I saw this post (from Craigslist via Videogum):

Ever feel like life in the big frantic city is just too much? Are you a twenty-something young woman seeking fame, fortune, love or even a hookup with potential? How do you get from here to there when you can’t even get a seat on the L train! Come to a casting call with our Emmy-winning production company and tell us your dreams and woes, your highs and lows, your tales of *** in the city and the outrageous opportunities that have come your way. Is your circle of friends bound together by not just the parties, fights, and brunches but frequent bouts of commiserating over your struggles? It isn’t easy taking the road less travelled, but making it as a writer, designer, entrepreneur, actress/model or glorified dog walker never is!
The real life television show we are making follows the trials and tribulations of an ensemble of wise-beyond-their-years young ladies. We are with you living the dream in hipster Brooklyn and lower Manhattan. Only well educated and cultured extroverts need apply. Are you thinking about that show–”Girls?” Well we didn’t say it but. . ..now that you mention it.

OH JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

UGH, The Worst! 2012

Because when you have a blog you make lists at the end of the year otherwise it's not a real blog.

Lena Dunham/"Girls"

This was the year in which an uber-privileged white girl wrote a show called "Girls" in which the people of color that populate New York City became a backdrop upon which to paint a portrait of said privilege.  The fact that Dunham knew exactly what she was doing and made a conscious decision to NOT include any queers or POC in significant roles on her show makes it all so much worse.  And yet, even after a brutal take-down by critics, blogs, and viewers, white people's love of watching neurotic white people won out.  The AV Club, which is my go-to place for online TV criticism, wrote this and I died a little inside:

UGH, The Worst! 2011

These are the things that sucked. We hate them. They are all The Worst.

Project Runway

This year, my favorite reality show was effectively killed by the Real World producers. I know, I SAID I wasn't gonna watch any more after last year's Gretchen debacle, but I thought it might get better. It did not. It got worse. SO MUCH WORSE. Anya and Josh were waved through, winning challenges they never should have won, including the entire competition. There's no point in watching a talent show if they disregard all the people with talent. I'll be watching the All-Stars show because it's full of designers that I LOVE (and some that I hate - we'll all know the apocalypse has arrived if Kenley wins PR A-S), but after that I'm out for good.

A Very VOMITROCIOUS Christmas

Oh my god, that was possibly the worst episode of Glee I've ever seen. I really think that this time I might be done for good.

Two weeks ago was the Santana debacle, which I can't even go into because it was SO BAD, and the student election BS, which was such an unbelievable plot manipulation that it doesn't even merit talking about because I can guarantee no one on this show will ever mention it again. Last week was sectionals, which was remarkably boring and predictable and the music was all my least favorite kind of Glee music, the note-for-note karaoke cover. Look, karaoke is great, I love it and it is totally the best. But watching professional singers do covers of songs that do not alter the arrangement in any way is flat-out boring. My favorite Glee songs are the ones they've put their own spin on - "Dancing With Myself", "Borderline/Open Your Heart", "Toxic", etc. - and if I do like a straight-up cover, it's because I haven't heard the original enough. But "I Will Survive" was a snooze, and even though I love me some MJ and I liked how everyone got a chance to shine in their medley, it was super dull. I know what "Man In The Mirror" sounds like! And it sounds better when Mark Salling keeps his mouth shut.

Anyway, that's all just to say that Glee has been losing me for a while now. Where are the jokes? Where is the edge? I wish this show had just died a quiet death at the end of Season 1. But sadly, it did not, and last night's episode still exists as a blight on the world.

Worse Than That Time On Cougarton Abbey

This is the worst news of all time. Today NBC announced that Community is being pulled from Thursdays with no set time to return. It is being replaced by 30 Rock, proud owners of one of the most disappointing and uneven seasons of comedy ever, whose star Tracy Morgan still remains an individual who believes it's ok to murder people as long as they are gay and also your children. Whitney, OF COURSE, remains safe for the time being, as it's being switched with Up All Night, which was always the obvious better match up for the Thursday night lineup. And why Community is being smothered when the death-rattling The Office remains in the prime timeslot is absolutely infuriating. Fuck it, this whole thing is infuriating. KEEP LIFE AWESOME! SAVE COMMUNITY!

And now I'm going to go sob into my washcloth, Tobias Funke-style.

"We are trying to help you!"

This is gonna be one huge post wherein we discuss the four new shows I managed to watch this week. If I was Zooey Deschanel's character on New Girl, I would probably take this space to sing an annoying little song going all *it's gonna be awesome* in a random squeaky voice. Thankfully, I am not. I am me. So we will proceed with dignity.

New Girl

I did not come to this show expecting it to be anything other than an obnoxious vehicle for Zooey Deschanel's particular Etsy-store-non-brand of obnoxiousness. And it definitely did not disappoint. I mean, even that cast photo just screams, "I AM THE MOST ANNOYING!" I will admit that I found myself laughing a couple times (though I can't remember those times and I didn't take notes and lo siento, I'm not going back to watch it again). But I'm pretty sure those times were all in the first five minutes. From then on it was just your average look-at-the-differences-between-men-and-women-isn't-that-hilarious bullshit. Not even the presence of Hot Cop Leo from Veronica Mars could forgive how dumb and tired this show is. And the singing! OH DEAR LORD STOP SINGING. I don't care if you like her band, the fucking little "I'm awkward" songs are not cute stop singing this show is turning into a Mandy Moore movie circa 2004 except with worse singing just STOP. Also I know exactly where it is going because clearly she's going to fall for the romantic one and then sleep with the sexy one and eff it up and the black one will yell but never really be a romantic interest because it seems like Fox and CBS are reluctant to do interracial relationships, at least between black people and the vast hoardes of white people that populate their scripted shows (Tell me I'm wrong. Mercedes and Sam the white boy were together for about half a second before he had to leave so she could date a big, fat, black dude (nothing against those types of dudes, I am actually really into them, call me, Ruben Studdard!) because we should all only date our own kind. I am literally begging someone to tell me I'm wrong about this). And along the way there will be so much bad singing and so many terrible girls-in-glasses jokes. So, I gave this show a chance and now I am done because heterosexism and racism and just yuck. It really does prove to me how dumb Zooey Deschanel must be IRL because I can't believe she would read this pilot script and be like, "This is definitely going to be my next career move and it will be the best career move anyone has ever made." To sum up: this show should not exist, and you can blame Zooey Deschanel for the fact that it does.

Okay, fine, one Quote

"Boobies Johnson. Two Boobs Johnson. ....Tiger Boobs!"

Why I'm Quitting Weed(s)

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh Nancy. I just can't do it anymore (is what I wish Andy was saying in this picture).

I have tried, really I have, to recap these past two episodes. But I just don't have it in me any more. Nancy has always been a character with a lot of flaws and things to dislike about her, but over the seasons she has maintained an aura of charisma that helps the audience to understand why people keep doing things for her, keep falling in love with her, and why, against all rationality, she has not yet been murdered. That charisma or whatever it was is now gone. In its place is the human embodiment of selfishness walking around on two skinny little legs.

All Nancy does is bring bad shit to those around her. It has been so sad to watch Andy with his dreams of legitimacy and of establishing a life for himself outside of Nancy's sphere of control just get completely fucked over. I'm tired of her being able to fuck her way out of any situation. I'm tired of her being, as my friend Michaela put it, just "a doe-eyed vagina". She treats everyone in her life terribly, using them for personal gain at every opportunity, and there's no redeeming aspect left to her. Sure, her sister is awful, but is the audience really supposed to want Nancy to get her third kid back when she continues to use and abuse the two she already has? When Weeds started out, yes, she was doing something bad and yes, there were unlikable aspects of her character, but she was fighting against the white suburban system of privilege or whatever and she had a dead husband and kids to feed and it was easy to root for her. Since they left Agrestic her motivation for dealing has become her addiction to danger and dangerous men and that is just UGH. Andy, who is The Best and who singlehandedly saved season 4, is just sad to watch now. Weeds missed an opportunity to get them together and have it be passionate and hilarious, and now the only thing I want for Andy is for him to successfully extricate himself from Nancy's life forever.

"Lifetime of deceit, and so forth"

So, Weeds recaps. I guess this is happening. Get excited!

I came to Weeds for the weed. It was a fun show to get high and watch. But there's more of a reason for why I've stuck with it through everything, defending the show through good times and bad. This new season isn't off to a perfect start, but the characters are interesting, the acting is great, and I've been suspending my disbelief while watching Weeds for so long that it's second nature by now.

This third episode starts with Nancy in drug class (unfortunately, not a place where they teach you about all the best drugs) as a result of her impulsive stoning last week. I can really see how prison has changed her - not just because of shit like that, but in the difference in the way she moves, and the looks in her eyes. Nancy certainly hasn't come out of prison much improved in terms of likability; she still fucks her way into getting what she wants (even if what she wants is just fucking) and is still attracted to terrible, dangerous men. Honestly, would we be in all this mess if she had just gone onto the internet and found herself a dom? Probs not! ANYway, she is taking notes in drug class IN A MOST OBVIOUS FASHION WTF oh yes sorry, I forgot - disbelief is suspended - because we know she wants to start dealing and the best way to do that is to get a pound of weed (yes, a single pound) and then corner the market that the only two drug dealers in New York City (AHAHAHAHAHA) have left vacant. !Buena suerte! !Ten divertido con todo el chingado!

Ok, we are not even 30 seconds into this episode and already it's absurd so I'm just going to keep making fun of it and try to intersperse some insightful commentary along the way.

Remember how Silas' dead dad (that guy, Jeffrey Dean Morgan who looks like RJD) isn't actually his dad? And his dad is a dude named Lars (at least it's not Hans or Franz, giggle)? So Silas is still mad at Nancy, and everyone else is still kinda wtf about it, too, but they're willing to let it slide because, you know, eyebrows and hugs.

This Is Not All That

This is what ABC Family cancelled Huge for: white girls with the same haircut doing terrible things. And a girl with a cat face. Really? REALLY???!!! Winnie Holzman and Samantha Dooley - resurrect Huge on a different network, please!!! One that is not The Worst at making good shows.

Speaking of white girls who all look the same, I'm sure if you were on the internet in the past two weeks I'm sure you saw an ad for iParty With Victorious. You may or may not have been blown away by the fact that they look like the same person:

Other than Miranda Cosgrove having more curl in her hair, they are practically identical. Whatever happened to the channel whose most popular show used to look like this:

...HUH? Nickelodeon, come back! You were once the pinnacle of children's programming - now you are homogenized skim milk, which is so bad it's on Ron Swanson's Pyramid Of Greatness twice: "Skim Milk: Avoid It."

Expect more forceful opinions on the greatness of mid-nineties Nickelodeon shows once I can find episodes of Hey, Dude and Salute Your Shorts. In the meantime, iSuck With Terribleness can leave now, please.

Images via ABC Family, FanLaLa, Nickelodeon.Wikia